uh huh.

my mom says that she's only been seriously hurt and disappointed three times in her life. first when her mom forgot her 11th birthday. second when i was anti taking pictures during my high school graduation. third , this christmas, when my dad did not put any thought into buying christmas presents for the woman he's known for 20 years, but bought himself a $180 saw and wrapped it for himself to put under the christmas tree.

i had a great christmas, but the rift between my parents has seriously fucked me up. i wish there was something i could do to change their problems, but unfortunately, it's something that only can be worked out by two adults who act like adults who are able to truthfully admit what things about the other are bothering them. in addition, these adults must take the constructive criticism given by the other, and treat it just as that, CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, not CRITICISM. both adults must be truthful and not keep secrets. after all, when you've been with someone for 1 year, 2 years, 10 years, or even 20, you shouldn't have secrets. when you keep secrets, you're not only weighing yourself down, but unknowingly you are hurting the other person. if you've lived with anyone, or been friends with anyone, for a decent amount of time, you can tell when they're hiding something.

my mom is a very caring woman, much like one of my best friends. both ladies try to give and give to men and want nothing more than a smile, a hug and a "thank you". my mom would do anything for my dad, even if it made her life a little more difficult, or if she knew he didn't deserve what she was doing for him. all she needs in return is to be courted by her man, just like my friend. they both need genuine reassurance that they're appreciated, need to hear "i love you" at least once a day, and take close to the heart the simple things in life like love notes, voice mails and e-mails and handmade/handwritten cards for birthdays and holidays.

my dad is a nice man who means well, but he has a short temper and doesn't accept individual personality. he does not think about the person who is responding to him when noting HOW they are responding to him. yes, sir, women tend to get a little more upset about the things that you would consider "small", but maybe that's because you never show your appreciation of the little things that are done for you. all the things that you wouldn't want to do on a regular basis, like vacuum, clean the kitchen and bathrooms, pick up the house when YOU leave all your shit everywhere, cook a full dinner and bake desserts for YOUR family for christmas... the list could go on. of course after cooking and cleaning all day without an offer of assistance a woman is going to get upset when as soon as you enter the house you say "why aren't the cheese and crackers out?" i have an idea. why don't you keep your mouth shut and just say "let me help get the cheese and crackers out".

obviously i am being too specific with examples to say anything like, "hypothetically speaking". this is some straight up real talk. but this has been my life and closest experience to a relationship i've ever had, if you can even call it that. people constantly ask me why i'm not dating, or why i don't date, and this is partly why. the guy that's supposed to be closest to me is in my eyes, untrustworthy, for reasons i have only ever mentioned to three people in my entire life as to not tarnish his personality in the eyes of people who don't know any better. i just find it impossible to trust any guy if i can't trust him. i don't want to end up like my mom. feeling like i can never get out. feeling attached, but uninterested. caring, but not cared for. (and no, you saying that you can change this will not make me want to date you. it's the unspoken actions before the idea of dating is entertained that hook me on guys, always the wrong ones who truly aren't interested, but still. sorry).

i'm not picking sides. this is just how i see things. a relationship has to be a two way street. this is not. a relationship should be shared between two individuals who have genuine care for and interest in each other. this is not.

holidays are great, aren't they?